Good morning!

I just spent the last... 4 hours listening to songs, and playing Rock Legends! on Facebook. Somehow I don't really feel tired. I feel the sadness within me. It's always been there... But most of the time I just throw it to the back of my head, not thinking about it. Tonight I can't, somehow.....

My boyfriend has a "shi fu". Congratulations to him for having someone else to share his problems with. (Have I been forgotten?)

Oh why am I so insecure? Something in the atmosphere set me thinking. It has always been with me. I used to make cards to my mum and dad, asking if they love me. It's kinda silly, but I just love the reassurance. I was an insecure kid. Now I'm an insecure adult. Why can't it go away? :(

My boyfriend said his "shi fu" said that I have features (面相) of someone whose life is/will not be smooth, 苦命, etc. That doesn't bother me.

But somehow I got reminded of myself, growing up. Yes, compared to other people, I may be more fortunate. I've had my share of happiness, but it's not a fair share.

Primary 2, I started wearing spectacles.. Quite a few people shunned me cos of that. But that's still alright. Was in a big clique, got expelled. Reason being, the clique was too big. And the person who expelled me was the same person who handed me a paper print out MY BEST FRIEND with a star. I still remember her name. :( I ran alone to the field and cried.

Primary 5 and 6. There was an anti-me "club" formed? Members were those popular people in class. Yes, loneliness. Luckily there was Shi Yin, Jasmine, Claire (though I believe she didn't really like me), and Guan Ting.

Sec 1 and 2. Sarah didn't like me, made mean remarks on her blog. HJ didn't like me, for God knows what reason. So I couldn't stay in the clique. It was tough. I felt so so lonely. Tried mixing around more with the guys, cos' guys make better friends in some sense anyway. They don't backstab you. That worsened the situation. I was labelled a flirt and etc. Oh please!

Sec 3 and 4. I'm really thankful to Ah Nia. You made my sec school life wonderful. But most of it was still shitty. With people who made me feel like crap, rumours flying around. No one bothered to get to know me. They were too obsessed with the rumours. To worsen things, I had people pretending to be best friends with me, while making use of me. Didn't realise till the friendship dissolved by itself.

Poly. Worst place of my life. I have people from there who are so obviously two-faced. Act nice in front of me, and then stab my back. Had some bad stuff happen to me in Year 1, and had to miss quite a few classes. When I was back in school, I practically was a stranger in class? No one bothered to help me out with homework. Selfish bunch of people. Group projects, I contributed, and people claimed that I did nothing but skive.

Lecturers who said my work suck when I put in super extra effort. When I tried so hard to brainstorm for more ideas, I got scolded for having too many ideas from different places. Isn't that what brainstorming is about anyway? Oh did you tell me how to improve on my work when you said it suck? No. Thank you. Another kinda lecturer tells me that my work was wonderful (thanks for being encouraging), but giving me a D when it comes to grading. HO. Oh yes, and pretend to be such a nice guy, but when you're no longer in his class, he doesn't even give a shit.

Attachment. Thank you Adillah for making it bearable. Thank you Shirley for... Being you? It was good during attachment. But when I joined the company, LOL. It was all different. And someone even thought I backstabbed him. Please, before you make any comments, get your facts right. Everyone likes to accuse others of things, without clarifying. And to think I still looked up to you.

I miss smoking. But I hate smoking at the same time. I remember how it could take my mind off stuffs. But I know how it is hurting me too. :(

Boyfriend boyfriend.. I hope you know that you are one of the most important people in my life, at this point. Thank you "shi fu" for telling him not to keep scolding me, making me feel really lousy.

To people out there who know me. I'm sorry if I'm not what you guys expected. I'm like an onion. I have many layers. Most of you only know up till a few outer layers. Even my mum. Deep inside I'm so inconfident, so weak, so vulnerable. But I have to put up a strong front to get past most days. E.g. school days, work days. I'm sorry that most of you are not able to see the deepest part of me. I don't like to feel vulnerable in front of people. And I love my privacy a hell lot. :/ The most important thing is... I don't know how to trust anyone at all.

It might have been caused by those people I've lived with, met, befriended. I've learnt not to trust anyone. Even your closest kin could turn on you. My dad was never really a dad I suppose..? My relatives, most of them are so bitter. There isn't anyone that I can turn to when I'm down. Only myself.

I tried to trust... But in return I always got betrayed. :'(

Thinking about all these makes me really upset. I don't know if it's me that's rotten, or weird. Or is it the people out there... Or maybe I just haven't really find a true friend...?